Yu Jingchen understood the Empress Dowager's implied meaning and remained silent.
"However, your desire to learn martial arts when you were young wasn't solely because of me. You insisted on going, saying you could persevere, but you only lasted two days. You cried pitifully, complaining of aches all over, and said you didn't want to practice anymore, so I agreed to let you stop," the Empress Dowager continued.
"Our Yun'er has always been a delicate and tender young lady. Everyone who sees her wants to protect her." The Empress Dowager pinched Nan Zhiyun's cheek, eliciting envy and jealousy from some onlookers.
"But it's your father's fault for actually making you train." The Empress Dowager said this with a hint of mock accusation as she glanced at Nan Su.
Nan Su felt wronged and chuckled, "Wasn't that just to make her see things clearly? With her disposition, how could she possibly persevere?"
"Father, is it okay for you to say that?" Nan Zhiyun, uncharacteristically, showed a shy demeanor in such a public setting.
"Exactly, no consideration for our Yun'er's feelings, look how shy she is," the Empress Dowager teased. But Nan Zhiyun grew even more embarrassed. Watching this harmonious scene, Yu Jingchen felt a pang of sorrow, unable to pinpoint the reason.
He picked up a goblet of wine. At this moment, he felt like an outsider. He had failed Nan Zhiyun, failed the Nan family, and it seemed... he had also failed the Empress Dowager.
They looked so happy now. Nan Zhiyun was radiant, and they all smiled with genuine joy and contentment. Yet, in the end of his previous life, Nan Zhiyun had died in his arms, covered in blood. She was afraid of pain, and she must have been in immense agony then. But she had never cried out. She was not even twenty when she passed, just as the Empress Dowager had said, she had been doted upon, a girl raised in a honeyed world, yet she had tasted such bitterness.
Then there was Nan Zhiyun's father, Nan Su. He was the so-called pillar of the empire, the Grand Marshal who commanded immense military power in the previous life, the General who defended the nation. A founding hero, he had fought alongside the late Emperor in numerous campaigns, a valiant young man devoted to his country. But in the end, he could only watch his only daughter fall into eternal sleep before his eyes. He had guarded the borders for the nation, for years on end, yet he never got to exchange his last words with his daughter.
He had spoken of his wish for his children and grandchildren to surround him. The moment he relinquished his military authority, he must have harbored resentment too. He had devoted himself to the country, yet within this country, he had lost his only flesh and blood.
He was bound by loyalty and righteousness; therefore, he would not rebel. It was a matter of the Nan family's honor, and also the reputation of his own esteemed mentor. The old burying the young, his daughter's beauty was frozen in time, never to age, but his hair had turned white overnight. The once formidable Great General had become an old man. He died before his daughter's tomb; was that release?
As for the Empress Dowager... she had regarded Nan Zhiyun as her own daughter, cherishing her from birth. Yet, she could only watch as her precious girl gradually descended from her lofty pedestal, trapped in mire, powerless to intervene. Her blame fell not only on herself but also on him. The Empress Dowager... in the past, everyone spoke of Nan Yin, the daughter of the old General Nan, as valiant and heroic, the foremost noble lady of the Yuan Kingdom. How proud she was! But in the end, she could only be confined to the deep palace. Lacking strategic acumen, she suffered greatly and endured much hardship.
She was even forever unable to conceive. Previously, they said that because she raised him, she had abandoned the slim chance she had of bearing children, and resolutely drank that child-barring decoction in front of everyone. She had been very strict with herself. He had initially thought that was just her nature, as his mother, the Empress, was generally strict with everyone and rarely smiled. It was only later, with Nan Zhiyun, that he realized his mother could also be this gentle.
And then, someone told him that his mother did not like him at all, that she merely treated him as a pawn. After all, he was not her biological son, and at that time, the Nan family was at the zenith of their power...
But reflecting now, if she truly considered him a pawn, why would she be so strict with him? Why would she personally teach him so much? Why would she drink that child-barring potion and place all her hopes and efforts on him?
His heart felt complicated. His mother had been genuinely stern in the past. If he made a mistake, she would whip him or punish him accordingly. But that was when he was a child. As he grew older, around thirteen or fourteen, she stopped punishing him so severely.
But beyond that... he seemed to remember her being there when he was ill, and when he was injured. When the weather turned cold, she would tell him to wear more. If he got caught in the rain, she would have hot water prepared, along with dry clothes and ginger soup. She knew his preferences, his birthday, and she also knew... that he had begun to dislike her, so she became indifferent, transforming into the true Empress Dowager, just as her title suggested.
Yu Jingchen did not know what to feel now, only that his heart was a jumble of emotions. This wine today was truly bitter. During this lively New Year's Eve feast, everyone had someone by their side. They laughed and talked, raising their cups in camaraderie. Only he sat in this high position, cold and lonely. He was truly an emperor, out of sync with the world. The only one who had shown him warmth had drifted away, and he had destroyed it with his own hands. Was it truly too late?
Another cup of cold wine went down. Xing Lai could no longer bear to watch.
"Your Majesty, you have drunk a lot tonight. This wine is cold, and you must take care of your imperial body," Xing Lai reminded him.
"No matter how cold it gets, it cannot be colder than the human heart. My heart used to be cold... and it is still cold now." In the past, it was cold-blooded, cold-hearted, and cold-minded. Now, he truly felt the chill.
The Empress Dowager noticed the movement from Yu Jingchen's side, but said nothing. This was the most normal situation, wasn't it? She had explicitly told him that the heights were cold and lonely. Yet, he had not paid heed and had personally shielded himself from the only ray of warmth. The wind and snow were fierce; had he truly managed alone?
The Empress Dowager withdrew her gaze and looked at Nan Zhiyun with affection. She gently stroked Nan Zhiyun's head. Everything seemed to be unfolding according to her plan. It was alright; she would take her time. One day, she would ensure her Yun'er had everything she desired, living the most peaceful, happiest, and warmest days. As for Yu Jingchen... he would bear what he deserved. Some detours required lessons to be learned.
After all, she had once been his mother. She did not mind teaching him one last time what was meant by cause and effect, and what it meant to bear responsibilities independently...
The Empress Dowager's gaze deepened gradually...