Chapter 392: Mixed Feelings
"...Zephyra, are you alright?" Tsukuyomi says as I’m looking out the window at the sky.
"Not really..." I say, feeling unwell, I feel completely strange and confused about everything I’m thinking about.
"...Do you want to talk about it?" She asks as she sits down in the chair next to me.
"Yes..."
"What are you thinking about?" She begins speaking in a calm and soft voice.
"I...feel bad...seeing Pandora almost dead made me feel strange...in the past I always thought that if I saw Pandora dying, I would like it...a sense of justice, you know?" She did many bad things to me.
"But...seeing her like that hurts me..." I feel like my heart is tightening, I feel dizzy and sad, it’s not the feeling I expected, I don’t feel any joy about it.
"..."
"You know, Tsukuyomi...I always thought that...Pandora was invincible...she seems to know everything, she always seems to be above everyone, and it seems that no one can defeat her...but seeing her almost dead..."
"Shows me that she’s not as invincible as I thought..." I had this illusion that she is invincible and that nothing and no one can seriously hurt her, but seeing her unconscious, full of wounds on a bed, brutally broke that illusion.
And instead of being happy that she’s finally suffering after making me suffer so much, I could only flee the room, afraid that she would really die and with sadness at seeing her so injured.
"Well...Zephyra, you’re sad, that’s normal, you love her so you’re sad to see her hurt," Tsukuyomi says, coming to me to give me a hug.
"..."
"But...why?" I ask uncertainly, as I accept Tsukuyomi’s hug, after Pandora making me suffer so much, why do I only feel sadness in seeing her like this?
"Zephyra, it’s love, it doesn’t make much sense, no one likes to see the person they love hurt, you’re sad about it, it’s totally normal, and I understand that Pandora is scary, but it was obvious that she wasn’t invincible."
"You only saw her that way because Pandora always maintains this pose of invincibility, Pandora makes decisions and acts as if nothing in the world could destroy her."
"But even she herself knows that this is just a facade," Tsukuyomi says with a resigned look, as if she had experienced something similar.
"Tsukuyomi...why does she do that then?" I ask, not understanding.
"Because she is a king, because she has people she must lead, and because she is strong, strong people who must lead many others can never demonstrate vulnerability."
"After all, she needs to convey confidence, why do you think she came to this place after being so injured? She could have gone to Lilith, who has great healing magic, but she came to this place where there are only 4 people and none of them are really experts in healing."
"It wasn’t just to not interfere, it was because she can’t show others such a weak image of herself, after all she is the king and a king must always be strong and reliable."
"No one should have seen her in that state, and she’ll probably pretend nothing happened and that the injuries are nothing."
"But do you remember what that boy said? Pandora will have permanent damage to her arm, do you think she’ll tell others or hide it?" Tsukuyomi asks, making me think.
"...She...will hide it..." She always hides everything that doesn’t need to be shown to others, every little thing that doesn’t need to be shown, she hides, I think that’s what helped create this powerful image of her.
"Honestly, Zephyra, the fact that she is so vulnerable now is the moment when you should be by her side, you love each other, don’t you? Pandora doesn’t like me that way, she just tolerates me because I’m the mother of her daughter, so my being with her won’t make a difference."
"But you...she adores you, she’ll certainly want to have you around even if she doesn’t talk about it, after all, even being a monster, she still has feelings, she’s weak and she’ll certainly like to have her family around," she says as she gently wipes my tears.
"..."
"I...don’t feel good seeing her like this...it hurts...it hurts a lot to see her so injured, when I remember the past, I feel that she deserves it, but now it just hurts me to see her like that..."
I don’t want to admit it, but seeing her injured gives me a greater sense of proximity to her, I’ve always felt that I was way below Pandora because she was invincible, but now that I see that even she can be defeated, I feel that she has come down from that absurd pedestal that I had given her.
"H-Haha y-you know, Pandora seems more like a wife now," I say, leaving Tsukuyomi with a little smile.
"I think I understand what you mean, it’s different to see those who seem invincible finally coming down from the pedestal they were placed on just because of the image, isn’t it? It’s already happened to me when I lost the adoration of mortals."
"It happens that many times we put people, idols and ’nobles’ in higher positions than they really are, and this creates the image that they are untouchable, it always happens."
"Even common humans put other humans on this strange and high pedestal, but without even realizing that the person on the pedestal may not even want to be so high, I doubt Pandora would like to be invincible, after all, invincibility takes away the fun of being truly alive."
"Thank you, Tsukuyomi...you’re so kind and smart," I thank her as I get up, ready to go see Pandora, I heard she has already woken up and I think I should go see her.
"It was nothing, we’re friends, now go see your wife, she’ll be happy," she says as I leave the room, starting to run to go see Pandora while wiping my tears.
’Will she be angry? Will she complain that I took so long to come see her? Will she be dissatisfied that I wasn’t there when she woke up?’ These doubts are spinning in my mind as I run as fast as I can through the corridors.
And in 10 minutes I’m at the room where she is, standing in front of the door I take a deep breath before opening the door and seeing her lying there looking at the ceiling.
As soon as she looks at me, her eyes light up in joy as she breaks into a big smile.
"Love, I’m so glad you came, I was so worried about you, I heard you got sick after seeing me, it’s so sweet to know you were worried," she says, immediately dispelling my doubts.
’Ah yes...how silly of me to think she would be angry...she loves me and I love her...’ With confidence, I enter the room, going up to her and giving her a careful hug while my tears flow.
"P-Please don’t worry me like that again," I say in a tearful tone, she gives me a careful hug with a slight groan of pain while only using her remaining arm.
"I’m sorry, love, but I won. I’m sorry for worrying you, but at this moment...I feel very satisfied with myself," she says with a smile as her tail moves excitedly.
"Really, you’re so stupid! You idiot! Why do you do these dangerous things and show up here almost dead?" I was completely shocked when I saw her that way, I really thought she was going to die.
"Hahahaha, oh-ow..." She tries to laugh but lets out a sound of pain as I release her.
"I’m sorry, Zephyra, I don’t think I can give you a full hug right now," she says ironically, moving what should be her arm, but now there’s nothing.
"Please don’t make jokes, this is serious!" I say, wiping my tears.
"I know, but hey, it’s just an arm...I think I can handle that, after all, as long as I’m alive, I can give you a lot of love..." She says with a strange smile on her face.
"..."
"I...really thought I was going to die..." She starts looking at the ceiling as she speaks.
"But...I had so much to do, you know? I don’t know, I just feel like I can’t die without first finishing everything I want to do, dreams are a funny thing, don’t you agree?"
"As long as I have my dreams to fulfill, I’ll have the motivation to keep living, no matter how bad the situation is." She starts to ramble while I sit next to her bed.
"You know, Zephyra...I’ve always heard that people feel empty after achieving something they desire, when I killed the heroes, I finally felt like I was achieving something I’d wanted for so long..."
"And I didn’t feel that emptiness, maybe I’m just a very simple being who is easily happy when I achieve something I like...but I really didn’t feel empty, in fact I felt full of joy and euphoria."
"During the fight, I was always ready to die, but I was also always ready to fight to the end...and that’s what I did, it was painful, and I felt like I was going to die several times."
"But I refused to die, even though the chances were minimal, sacrificing an arm for my dreams...seems like a very low cost," she says, leaving me surprised.
"Low...but..." I try to speak, but she interrupts me.
"Zephyra, don’t get me wrong, I’m...bothered to have received permanent damage to my beautiful little arm, but if it’s for my dreams, I don’t mind paying the price."
"I think I even got lucky that the arm was the only thing I lost...just as I’m willing to sacrifice a lot for those I love, I’m also willing to sacrifice a lot for what I desire."
"I think...this arm is not the price for being impulsive in a fight...this arm is actually the price to learn a lesson...my determination was put to the test, and against all odds I kept moving forward."
"And I won, I proved to myself that no matter how bad the situation, I’ll never give up, whether driven by determination, joy or hatred, I’ll always give my all."
"After all, risking my life is different from sacrificing it, so I accept the cost I paid compared to the risk of almost dying," she gives me a happy smile as her eyes shine with excitement.
"And I liked the result despite the small defeat my arm suffered, now, my love, could you give me a little kiss? I’m so needy right now, honestly I’m holding back from trying to fuck you here and now, even with my battered body."
"Pfff hahaha" I laugh at her funny tone after saying something so serious.
"Of course..." I get up and go to her, giving her a kiss on the mouth, it tastes of blood, she also has a strong smell of blood because of the wounds, as soon as I separate the kiss, she looks disappointed.
"Haa...damn...that seemed to last so little..." She says, disappointed, as I sit down again.
"When you recover...we can try something," I give her the go-ahead, and she smiles wildly.
"Great, because I really need that, I can hardly wait to be well, my love..." She says as she goes back to staring at the ceiling and falls silent, a comfortable silence as we just enjoy each other’s presence.
With all this, I learned a lot about what I feel and about Pandora, I feel that the fear I had of her has been reduced a lot now that she no longer has that air of invincibility, and now I feel that I am closer to her and I realized that undeniably at some point I started to love her deeply.
To the point where I can no longer ignore this feeling, I like her too much to be able to feel angry, sad or any negative feeling towards her.
"I forgive you...for what you did to me..." I murmur, finally fully accepting the past and forgiving her for the harm she caused me before.