Chapter 309: Chapter 309 - Urges To Chase Just Become Urges To Flee
When I sat down in a chair at her table without asking, crossed my leg over my knee and began shaking my foot nervously...
"I’m going to make some chamomile tea. Then we can talk."
Martha moved around her kitchen like a woman who might have spent more time in there than she ever did in her bed. Pulling mason jars and vials of herbs - some dry, some not quite, some powdered - from an old wooden pharmacy cabinet.
Measuring a potent, dried version of the relaxing herb into an ’infuser’ lowered into ceramic teapot. While nearby an electric kettle built up a slight noise of water bubbling from heat expansion.
Then soft thuds of wooden spoons against porcelain cups came as she turned her attention again from taking stock of herbs, for the device beeped that it was ready at the temperature she needed it. A glance at the digital display told me not quite boiling.
> There is more... math involved in cooking than I really care for, isn’t there? <
"Should take five minutes or so, depending on your taste."
"At least seven, please. If that is alright."
Watching her nod to my small demand for stronger tea felt surreal after the last few hours. To avoid thinking about what I was going to ask, my mind instead worked at another problem that has been circling.
> Just to be certain about Ms. Kyrie Voss’s condition, I should use the medical scan. To know for sure what we’re dealing with is nothing more than a rest situation. <
But every time I considered it, even trying to think her name clinically, my heart would clench and the focus in my eyes would not reach toward the interface. Truly, I’m not even certain that the reaction is about the pack roster anymore.
> What if it shows something I don’t want to see? What if it doesn’t say everything is going to be fine... <
"You’re fidgeting something fierce, child."
Martha’s observation cut through my internal spiral. I resettled my thoughts on talking to her instead, but that didn’t make my nervousness stop. I began playing with my hair, instead.
She set a steaming mug of very herbal scent in front of me. I wrapped my hands around the warm ceramic. Trying to use the heat contact to steady myself. Forgetting that all I ’feel’ now is an acknowledgement that ’this is hot’.
It’s actually kind of frustrating. I’m sure if I thought hard enough, I would be able to turn it on and off. But I hesitate to do that bit of mental gymnastics - afraid that I’d keep it off as an excuse not to do *something else* I am surely going to do later...
"Nervous about something other than her condition?"
Glancing at her face for just a second, I sigh hard enough to blow the steam out of my cup completely. How was I supposed to go about asking nicely for tact about a matter of this nature?
"Last time you mentioned... noticing something about me."
"That I did. Pregnancy. Still there, if that’s what you’re wondering. Stronger, actually. It’s very healthy."
My stomach dropped when she said the word aloud. Knowing that the Alpha’s ears still worked quite well and that she could have woken up!
"Martha. I need to ask you for discretion, even if I have little right to request it when imposing on your home. It’s not something I have gone around telling people."
The old woman was quiet for a long moment, steam wafting between us from our cooling teas. When she finally decided on what to say, her voice was gentle but opinionated.
"Truth is generally better than lies, young wolf. Especially between people who care about each other. I can sense the Goddess’s bond like two magnets waiting to snap together."
"We’re not... bonded, though."
She took a sip of her tea. It reminded me of the way my teachers would take a moment - before ignoring what I was saying in favor of a lecture.
"Might be. But keeping secrets from someone who’s willing to trust you with their life... well, I’d heard that the Rimecoat’s current leader refused males. I guess this was why."
"We’re not mates. There are no plans to become mates."
Hissing the words softly, I regret not asking her to join me outside. Or I should have gotten her number and sent this as a text.
"Oh... are you not a proponent of sapphism? I admit that when doing readings on people, sexual orientation is not my strong suit. But then, I wonder why the link exists waiting between the two of you?"
"It’s complicated. But to answer your first question, I do of course like women."
> If Kyrie knew about the pregnancy, everything would change. She’d feel obligated, trapped, and responsible for something that isn’t hers to bear. Even if she did not immediately decide she wanted nothing to do with me, eventually... <
"However, sometimes things require distance."
"And sometimes it requires honesty before the distance becomes too great to span. I won’t betray your confidences, Citra. But I won’t lie for you either. If very directly asked."
"That’s... fair."
It wasn’t the blanket promise of secrecy I’d hoped for, but it was more than I probably deserved. Especially after showing up at her door demanding favors with little in the way of explanation.
Truth was quite important to the mystics from my world. Which is why I never progressed very far in my learning with those tutors, because I am so willing to lie if it suits me. It stands to reason that things would be similar here.
"If you don’t mind me asking, what exactly is keeping you apart?"
My tongue feels thick after drinking down half of the tea in one gulp. I know I could refuse to say. But her gaze makes me feel so exposed that it’s almost like it doesn’t matter whether I admit any of it or not.
"...I come with too much baggage for someone important like her. Everything happening soon... the timing is just wrong. Adding me to that would only make things more difficult for the both of us."
"Mm-hmm. And what does she think about that?"
I showed up in the city with nothing but an attitude in a set of ragged clothes and still she held interest. Pushed and pushed with kindness and waiting as I told her much of nothing. Even when I let my physical attraction surpass my mental warnings...
"There’s no point in burdening her with problems that aren’t hers to solve."
In my mindscape, my wolf gives me a bark and a look. Blue eyes judging every word that came out of my mouth in reality.
> Doing so by warning her of the apocalypse is not the same. It very much is her position as ruler of her pack to protect them from that as best she can. <
"So, you’re scared."
The blunt assessment from Martha hit closer to the center of the problem than I would ever want to admit out loud. But she is right, and I’ve even expressed that to Vrika before. That I am terrified of how I will become if I get attached and abandoned.
"I’m being practical. She deserves someone who actually belongs in her world instead of just... stumbling through it like a stupid, stupid fox that thinks it’s clever."
"You think more highly of her than yourself. Do wonderful people not deserve the chance to make their own choices?"
Her tone was still warm, but challenging. My legs had been uncrossed for a while, but it made me do it again and resume the agitated bouncing from earlier... at least with the other side. It took everything in me not to admit it.
That I did not want to grant any wonderful people the chance to reject me in a way that would damage me. The witch stood as I fought with myself, moving to clean her teacup by hand. I began sipping on the tea I’d been made so as not to be rude.
> No, glugging it all at once is even more rude. <
"I’ve gathered most of what she’ll need already. And you might want to think about what you’ll need too."
"...What do you mean?"
"Caring for someone takes a toll on the caregiver. Especially when you’re carrying secrets that are eating at you."
"I’ll be fine."
I barely hesitate in that response. Because I knew I would be, so long as I kept an appropriate emotional distance. Her elongated sounds suggested she found that as unconvincing as my wolf.
"Uh-huh. We’ll see about that. For now, drink as much of that tea as you’d like and try to unknot some of that tension that isn’t good for anyone. I need to harvest a few things outside before I start brewing her treatments."
She moved off toward the back door in the kitchen, pausing with her hand on the knob.
"Oh, and Citra? Kyrie Voss... she’s far more headstrong with her choices than you’re giving her credit for."
Finishing the pot with her still being gone, I did not learn whether her words were true. I just learned that sometimes *I* am not as stubborn as I think. Because I was shaken awake by the witch wanting to start her work...
Holding onto a white haired beauty in that bed.
> And I still don’t know if it was for her comfort or mine. <