Chapter 415: Chapter 415 - Risky Business, Being Friends With A Teen
"I may have encountered some... complications with my physique management. A while back. Around the time I sort of yelled and picked a lot of silly fights with you."
Sevra wasn’t sure what sort of complications could be making the girl lose herself like this, but the woman *was* sure that it terrified her to know that the reborn cultivator with so much knowledge could lose control of the way she wielded it.
"What sort of complication?"
"You see, maintaining the precision needed for all my techniques requires keeping certain biological functions extremely well regulated. I’ve been trying to cut back on that as apparently, my complete suppression of some hormones creates its own problems with the aspect I’ve been granted."
For a couple years now, ever since her adolescent lust had started to trigger her ancient thoughts, Elua had been experimenting with hormonal ratios more than she ever had in the past. Trying to find the balance that worked and that she could handle without noticing herself doing things or reacting in ways she never normally would.
"It turns out that a linear percentage partial suppression is worse than either extreme, as I thought. But I was a little desperate for success, and in this environment without the target of my desire... I may have miscalculated the variables and..."
"Please stop. I don’t know what you’re about to say, but just-"
"The point is, I woke up that morning with what someone respectable would probably call ’lady problems’."
The scout scrubbed her face with her palms, wondering why she even bothered. Elua er Goltbred never stopped just because you asked - it was only if she thought it was also better to do so. Willful and rascal, an absolute nightmare combination when the young looking girl was now apparently...
"More blunt and honest healers would tell you that I am menstruating again. I woke up that morning with that particular physical energy technique broken - among others - and my emotions feeling wild. As well as the expected blood that-"
"Okay. Really, okay. Look, I know it’s not usually that big of a deal to talk about things like this, but half the time I can’t decide whether to look at you like a small girl or like a great elder. So it just gives me some..."
"Ick?"
The brunette helpfully offered when it seemed like the scout wouldn’t be able to think of a way to say it. While not a clinical term, it was the closest the spiritualist could think of that the other woman would understand as her own emotion.
"That’s the word. Why exactly were you messing with whatever you just said?"
"I made the attempted adjustments so that I could grow to my potential with less... *direct* manipulation. The plan I have to achieve in four years will require me to shift between long sessions of building and long sessions of meditation where I directly influence growth hormones."
So far, the girl had seemed surprisingly lucid. Despite just talking to a construct that the scout had been assured possessed nothing like a way of human thinking or free will. But Sevra could almost see the moment that whatever was holding her together snapped.
"But I don’t want to be that busy. I want time to rest too, but my usual emotional regulation techniques aren’t working properly and I can’t fix it without disrupting the very abilities I need to keep working and I can’t stop working because if I do I’ll just think about how much I miss her and how long it’s been already and how I don’t even know if she’s safe and..."
The words came out in a rush, faster and faster until Elua was nearly hyperventilating. ’Fascination’ and ’horror’ spiked as the most terrifying person she was sure she’d ever meet had, what was *unmistakably*, a fullblown teenage angst-filled tantrum breakdown. The girl sucked in a deep breath and pointed in a direction.
"So I’ve been talking to the stones and the constructs because they don’t *judge* and they don’t ask questions... and they definitely don’t have spirits that give me that look you’re giving me right now!"
"...What look?"
"The ’oh no, the scary ancient cultivator that I can’t decide whether to like or not is actually just a confused teenager having feelings’ look! I *hate* that look!"
Sevra realized she was indeed feeling those exact things. Though she wasn’t sure if that was an actual facial expression or body language. If it was, she couldn’t help it. But she could try one thing. She boldly raised her most authoritative tone - the one she used to manage difficult people on contracts.
"Right. Okay. Here’s what’s going to happen, in this order. You’re going to stop working immediately. You’re going to eat something. You’re going to sleep - not meditate - for at least eight whole hours. And you’re going to stop having conversations with inanimate objects to avoid others."
"But the schedule I had for finishing the foundation..."
Upset in a way that couldn’t decide if it was ’anger’ or ’depression’, El whined and looked at the ground. Being talked at like an unruly kid was not exactly a first, but it had been some time. Even her parents in this life didn’t often take that tone with her!
"That will wait. The rocks aren’t going anywhere."
"Actually, they might. There’s been some concerning settling in the eastern corner of the stone forest that suggests a sinkhole could form in another few years. I really should get to fixing that now so-"
"ELUA."
The sharp bark made the ’young’ cultivator blink her mint eyes in surprise. Not because of the sound, or because of being interrupted for the... she actually forgot to count this conversation!
But because a small something had finally solidified. Something that all the talks these months and the small gift of knowledge - and wine - hadn’t gotten to happen yet. The ’concern’ in Sevra had finally turned from being entirely outweighed by self-preservation against the other cultivator into not even thinking of the risk.
’For about five seconds there, she really didn’t think I was going to ever do anything to her... that I was a *good* person.’
Of course, it didn’t last forever. But ’care’ had sprouted once in the field... and so too did something else sprout in a location. The heiress brushed her soft but dirt covered hands across her own cheek.
"Are you..."
Before the woman could finish the words, Elua began to walk off. Feeling the wet of tears - a silent cry that she didn’t fully understand herself for the first while after it started - she turned in a direction almost at random. Of course, she was followed somewhat reluctantly.
"That’s not where we sleep."
"I know."
The Shadow Whisker member also knew she knew, but it felt like the only thing to say. And there *was* a chance that the sleep-deprived girl had made a mistake.
"Where are you going?"
"Just... anywhere but here for a while."
"Is it because I yelled at you?"
Footsteps increased their pace - not quite a run, but no longer a calm stroll. Sevra hesitated again, but kept up for a little while until the brunette finally spun and gave her a very weird look. One that seemed ’pained’ and ’conflicted’ and all kinds of strong emotions that weren’t actually being let out into the surroundings for once.
’Hold it in. She’ll be hurt if you let it out. She won’t understand. Not like Qat.’
"Just... stop caring for a minute, okay? I don’t want you to follow me. I don’t want you to comfort me. You’re not going to make it better. I’m not... I *am* essentially a child right now, but I can handle myself."
"Yeah, I thought so too. Which is why I took too long to say anything."
The admission did nothing to make the normally composed ancient cultivator look any better. Even without sobbing, just standing there with glistening eyes and wet cheeks - it made her look impossibly young and fragile. Not like someone from a time that sounded like constant fighting.
"...You shouldn’t have said anything at all."
Words came out in a harsher tone than the illusionist intended, but she couldn’t take them back - and didn’t want to risk using her spirit for things like memory blanking right now. It was hard enough to keep it contained. Her hands were shaking as she wrapped her arms around herself - as if that physical gesture could somehow hold the pieces together.
"I was just trying to help-"
"I know you are! That’s the problem!"
The brunette all but screamed to the woman’s face, mint eyes blazing with a frictional energy that made Sevra take an instinctive step back. All the fear that had been set aside revived into a new sparking blaze of terror, but it was too quickly quenched by this seemingly incombustible drop of ’unselfish care’. Teeth clenched tight for a few seconds before El continue to bark what she was feeling.
"I won’t let you comfort me because that’s *hers*. When I fall apart and when I need someone to hold me together - that’s my beloved’s role. My Qat’s... not yours - and not anyone else’s."
In the small break, the scout tried to open her mouth to respond to what she was saying... but Elua er Goltbred was not finished speaking.
"I refuse. I will not dilute that. Or practice feeling better about myself with someone else... just because she’s not here - or because it’s something *normal* people would do with their friends."
Such a word and title toward the woman seemed to surprise them both... and sparking mint eyes blinked in a pattern while looking down and away. One that suggested she hadn’t actually meant to say *that* either. But before Sevra could process what that meant - Elua was moving in a short ’stomp’ step that ’popped’ and bounced her much farther away.
In that suddenly gained distance, the air around her began to visibly streak and shimmer with the pressures being contained and increased, while temperatures were being offloaded to the surroundings more quickly than she usually worked her Element.
"Wait, where are you-"
The controlled explosion of compressed air launched the small cultivator skyward with violent force, her silver dress whipping tight as she arced over the stone forest. Away from the cliff that she usually ran off to when she needed alone time lately. Where she explored the underwater caves for small earthly treasures while thinking of presenting them to her husband-wife someday soon.
’Sooner every day that passes. But still so far away.’
Within seconds of repeated and timed blasts, she was just a speck against the violet sky even to a cultivator’s enhanced vision. Leaving the decommissioned assassin standing alone. Sevra stared up at the empty air for a long moment, then down at the abandoned construction site with its scattered tools and still - for now - functioning spiritual constructs.
"So we’re... friends now?
The woman asked the silence. Predictably, nobody and nothing was capable of answering.