Chapter 165: You Deserve More Than Me Losing Control [June’s POV]
He leaned back against the wall, watching me. "You’re jumpy." He smirked. "You’re usually fearless when it comes to roasting me. What changed?"
My arms folded before I even thought about it. "Maybe I was fearless before you decided to kiss me and say... all that stuff."
His smirk faltered. He moved closer, the mattress dipping when he sat. "If I ever said something that hurt you, June... I’m sorry. I didn’t mean it like that."
I let out a breath. "That’s not what I was talking about."
He studied me for a second, like he was trying to figure out what I wasn’t saying. Then his face shifted, this small, tired smile that made my heart melt. "Thanks for coming," he said quietly. "I really... I really needed this."
And then, he leaned over and let his head drop onto my lap.
Like. His whole head. On my lap.
I froze.
My hands started hovering awkwardly like....what’s the etiquette here?
Do I pet him? Is that weird? Do I move away? But then he’d think I don’t want him here, which is insane, because what is happening right now?? Why is his stupid hair soft against my jeans?
And then I felt it.
Hot drops. Right through my jeans.
I blinked, confused, until the soft sound followed...sniffling. Shoulders shaking against me.
Ian was crying.
On me.
On my actual lap.
"What?!" The word got stuck in my throat. I couldn’t say it out loud. I couldn’t move.
Because how was I supposed to react? Comfort him? Pretend I didn’t notice? Crack a joke? Definitely not crack a joke, June, Jesus Christ.
My hands kept hovering over his hair, like they were auditioning for a role in "to pat or not to pat."
Because this was Ian.
The guy who’d made an actual sport out of flirting with girls, has a thousand body counts and was basically allergic to feelings.
Now, he was crying!
On me.
I didn’t know if I wanted to hold him or pull away.
Because if Ian Han could break apart like this, then maybe everything I thought I knew about him was a lie.
Okay, June. Do something. Don’t just sit here like a mannequin while the hottest, most annoying boy in Blackwell is literally falling apart on your thighs.
Everything about him....his weight, his smell, the way his tears soaked through the fabric, made me tense.
My palms were sweating. Every part of me screamed don’t mess this up.
So I moved slowly. My fingers slid into his hair, the strands were softer than I expected.
Just a small touch.
He shivered. Just the tiniest bit.
"Ian..." I whispered, softer than I meant to.
His shoulders shook harder. "He’s gone, June," he sniffled. "Liam’s really gone."
My other hand hovered down, resting on his shoulder.
His breath hitched.
And all I could do was keep whispering, "It’s okay. I’ve got you, I’ve got you."
I brushed his hair back gently. "Hey... maybe don’t sit here replaying all the worst memories. Think about the good ones instead. Like, the dumb fun ones. You guys had to have at least a hundred."
Ian gave this sad laugh. "Yeah."
The room was silent for a while, then he started. "There was one time Liam convinced me we could skateboard off his roof into the pool."
My eyebrows shot up. "Please tell me you didn’t."
"We absolutely did. I broke my arm, Liam nearly broke his knee, and Dom. Dom was the only one smart enough to grab a mattress and try to catch us." He shook his head. "We were idiots. But God, it was the best."
I grinned before I could stop myself. "There was also a time Ash and I tried to build a ’flyingmachine’ out of a shopping cart, rope, and an old trampoline."
"And?"
"And we actually launched off the curb. Straight into Mrs Denny’s rose bushes. Ash had thorns stuck in his hoodie for weeks."
Ian let out a laugh that cracked in the middle but was real.
And then, he tilted his head up.
Right into my eyes.
And holy shit.
The room went quiet except for my pulse, which was now sprinting like it was being chased.
His face was so close I could see the line of his tears, the way his lashes stuck together, his red nose. "You’re so beautiful," he smiled.
My heart stopped.
Beautiful? Me? With my hair falling out of this stupid bun, with face blotchy from crying?
I should’ve laughed. Rolled my eyes. Called him insane. That’s what June Halloway would normally do.
He lifted his head up just enough that the space between us... shrank. Just inches.
My heart screamed kisshim. My brain screamed don’t kiss him. My body totally betrayed me, as I started leaning closer.
Just one inch. That was all it would take.
I wanted it. God, I wanted it so badly I closed my eyes.
But at the last second, he froze. His lips hovered over mine, close enough to taste but not close enough to claim.
His hand flexed against the mattress like he was holding himself back with everything he had.
"I shouldn’t," he whispered. "I don’t want to drag you into this, June. You don’t deserve that."
I swallowed so hard it hurt. My hand was still in his hair.
A laugh slipped out of me, not because it was funny but because it hurt. "Then what do you want from me, Ian? Because I can’t tell."
His eyes flicked over my face, looking all guilty and hungry all at once, like he hated himself. "I don’t even know," he admitted. " I don’t ever want you to wake up one day regretting me. Saying I shouldn’t have."
I searched his eyes, and my voice came out softer than I meant. "You already took my first kiss, Ian. How much worse could it get?"
"It can get a lot worse."
My hand was still in his hair, the strands started slipping between my fingers, and when I twisted it, he let out this sound, low in his throat, that made my stomach flip inside out.
"Ian..." I whispered, because it was all I could manage. His name came out shaky and breathless.
His lips curved, but his eyes stayed sad. "You have no idea what you’re doing to me, June."
"Ughh," I scoffed. "And I don’t care."
That broke him a little....his shoulders shook like he was laughing and breaking at the same time. He leaned in closer.
"I want to kiss you so bad right now," he whispered. "But I’m terrified you’ll hate me for it tomorrow."
Why does he keep saying this? Was it because I got mad at him the other day for kissing me?
"I couldn’t hate you," I said fast. "I already wan....." I stopped myself before the word want slipped out, my teeth bit my lip instead.
He saw it. His eyes flicked down to my mouth, then back up, like he was fighting himself.
"June," he called my name in that low voice that sounded like a growl.
I whispered back, "Then stop warning me and just..." My throat closed on the rest, but he understood.
His hands hovered over my lower lips. "If I cross that line with you right now, I won’t be able to stop. And you deserve more than me losing control."