I didn't think Su Ah would be so flustered over her writing. I hadn't meant to pry or make her feel uncomfortable; I'd simply been curious. Seeing her so disgruntled even after we finished breakfast, made me wonder if she might be writing something a little more adult than I had initially assumed.
Maybe it wasn't the type of thing she was comfortable talking about in a room full of her family members.
In any case, it was none of my business and I left it at that. At least, I wanted to. Really. But Su Ah had been brooding ever since.
Even the rhythmic click of her keyboard as I laid in bed that afternoon was slower and quieter. Maybe because it was later in the day and she was conscious of that. Or perhaps she was distracted by the thoughts of whatever it was that was bothering her.
Either way, I decided that the next day I would help her overcome that hurdle.
Therefore…
"Noona, are you writing an erotic novel?" I asked, bluntly. Su Ah, who was minding her own business, reading, blinked. A moment later, her face turned so red, that for a split second, I was almost worried about her blood pressure.
"What? No! Who the hell do you take me for?!" She almost threw the book she was holding. Almost. "Of course not!" She hissed, outraged and embarrassed.
I raised a brow, unimpressed by the reaction.
"Why do you think that, even? Do I seem like someone who would write something that... lewd...?"
"You do." I replied honestly. Su Ah gawked, before glaring at me. It wasn't as if I meant it in a derogatory way, nor would I think less of her, if she were to be writing erotic fiction. "Don't make it out like it's something to be ashamed about. It's just fiction. If it were real people then that'd be a problem." And if it wasn't just fiction, I didn't need to know about it, at the very least.
Su Ah blinked owlishly at me. "W-Well, it isn't, so stop making it out to seem that it is!" She turned her nose, pouty.
"So what's the issue, then?" I asked. "I don't want to butt in where I'm not wanted, but I've grown quite fond of falling asleep to the sound of your keyboard. And it's not quite as pleasant, hearing the keys being smashed into the keyboard and the backspace key being hammered."
"Are you serious?"
"Yep."
Su Ah's eyes widened. She seemed almost surprised, to a certain degree, even flattered, that someone took interest in her hobby enough to want her to continue pursuing it.
She sighed. "I don't think you'd really be of any help, though." She replied, her voice barely a whisper. "It's... not really your... genre..."
"Well, I doubt you'd write a football novel, so it was kind of expected. But that's okay. Maybe I could help you with whatever it is you're stuck with, even if it's not the genre." I sat beside her, crossing one leg over the other and leaning back. "Talking it out with someone might help you see it from another perspective."
It took Su Ah a bit to gather the courage to open her mouth again, after the silence had stretched into an uncomfortable eternity. When she finally managed to get words out, it came out in a jumbled mess of half-sentences, barely coherent. "Well... I'm struggling to write a... kissing scene." She looked up at the ceiling and I could tell that it was taking every ounce of self control for her not to look me in the eyes.
"A kissing scene?"
"......" Her expression said, yes. "It's just that... well, how do I put it... I can't visualize it, or write it well. It doesn't seem believable to me." Su Ah sighed. "It's not the first time I'm writing about kissing or making out or stuff like that... but I can't really write about something I haven't experienced before. I don't have a reference."
"Can't you use other kissing scenes from different stories? You could try and make them your own, or combine them." I suggested.
"It wouldn't feel authentic, though. It has to feel natural." Su Ah groaned in her hands. "Come on, go on! Laugh! I'm struggling with writing about kissing, and it's not even an erotic novel! Just laugh!" She threw her arms out, exasperated and embarrassed. It was almost endearing, seeing her like this, so open and vulnerable, yet, so hilariously dramatic and extra. The corners of my lips tugged up.
"Why are you smiling?!"
"No, I'm just..." I chuckled. "You're too hard on yourself."
"I am not..."
"I'm pretty sure, there's lots of people that can't visualize or write a good kissing scene, despite the experience, or lack of, and it doesn't have to be that big of a deal." I replied.
"But it is! It's a crucial scene for both the characters' relationship and for their character growth. I can't mess this up." Su Ah insisted.
"Have you tried kissing a pillow for practice?" I couldn't help a little brotherly jab.
"Jae-il!" She punched my thigh repeatedly, as if those dainty, weak paws of hers were going to hurt me in any way, shape or form.
"Okay, okay. That was too far."
"It was." Su Ah glared. She stopped after realizing she was doing more good for my thigh's blood circulation than any actual damage. She sighed again. "It's just... I want it to be perfect. I want to be the best at writing..." She said, almost as if she were confessing her deepest desire, with her eyes shining and bright and hopeful.
For someone that was so much academically inclined than most people her age, she had an incredible, wide imagination and love for the arts. She wrote, drew, painted and read.
She was quite the talented girl. I think that, even though I was the 'genius', Su Ah could have been as good as, if not even better, at anything, had she been given a chance and had she put her mind into it.
And now she wanted to be a writer. She had found her passion.
As someone who had Su Ah impassively cheering for me during every single one of my football games, despite her lack of love for sports in general, I wanted to be supportive of her. I owed her that, and so much more, as a little brother and a friend, and a family member.
I wished I could've provided better help and insight, but...
"Jae-il, have you ever kissed someone? What does it feel like?"
Her voice snapped me out of my thoughts.
I arched my eyebrows in surprise, and truthfully I didn't even know which hat of experience I should've picked my answer from.
There was the experience from my previous life, which would've been a little overwhelming for the scene she had in mind.
And then there was the experience from my new, teenage life. A blank slate. A pure body that was only recently being corrupted by nature's calling of fucking anything that moved.
It's been so long since I've... kissed someone on the lips. Before my untimely death, the last thing my lips had been on wasn't a mouth, at all. It was a woman, lower down—far lower. Chapstick wasn't used there.
That was the final intimacy I'd tasted before dying on the pitch.
No gentle goodnight kiss, no lingering brush of mouths in the dark.
And now, here I was, reincarnated into a boy whose lips had all the mileage of a factory-fresh sedan, being asked about kissing like I was some seasoned consultant.
The irony of it almost made me laugh, if it wouldn't have immediately blown my cover.
How do you explain that the memory of something so intimate felt less like a romantic experience and more like finding an old receipt in your wallet for a purchase you can't even remember making?
I guess the answer was... no, I hadn't really. Not with the same feelings as her characters. I couldn't say that there ever was a chapter in my life where I kissed out of love and not out of lust.
I stared at her. I couldn't decide. So, I did what any reasonable, wise, smart, cool guy would do. I shrugged.
"I don't know."
"You've never…? Really?!" She looked shocked, incredulous.
"Well… yeah. I mean, it's not like I'm actively seeking that type of stuff, so… no. Never."
It wasn't exactly a lie.
It wasn't even as if I wouldn't seek it out, but being explicit with Su Ah would easily steer the conversation in an unhelpful direction.
Su Ah looked genuinely baffled, like she couldn't believe that her hot-shot of a little brother hadn't had his first kiss. It was almost insulting, in a way.
But I couldn't exactly blame her. After all, she wasn't completely in the wrong, to be fair. The amount of times I was called hot and handsome and other synonyms of that sort by girls my age, younger, and older than me was staggering.
In any case, Su Ah shook her head, snapping out of whatever that dazed expression she had was.
She sighed, once again.
"You're of no use to me..." She hummed. I could practically see the cogs inside her brain whirring and clicking into place as she thought, her face pinched in concentration.
"Well, sorry that I'm not exactly the expert in kissing." I rolled my eyes.
"Maybe you should be, though." She mused, more to herself than to me. I raised an eyebrow, waiting for her to explain, as she seemed lost in thought.
She didn't respond for a while.
"Maybe there's another way to get some inspiration." Su Ah's voice dropped a couple of registers. There was some unwillingness there, but a chilling determination to see it done.
I was almost tempted to get up and get the fuck out; perhaps I should really learn not to shove my nose where it's not wanted.
Still…
"Such as?" I urged her to go on, tilting my head.
"We could..." Her eyes flicked up to mine and away, as she bit her bottom lip, nervously. She sighed, again, and again, almost as if she couldn't believe it herself.
It must've been a really important scene.
I waited.
She took a deep, shaky breath, before finally meeting my gaze with an unexpected resolution. Her lips trembled and she steeled herself, before finally coming out with what she'd meant to say. "We… we could just kiss. Just once. To help me write that scene. And to get you started. You know. So that you don't have your first kiss in your thirties, or something."
She looked away, tucking some hair behind her ear.
Her tone was so matter of fact that it took me a minute to fully understand her words, but I was so surprised I couldn't even react. I just sat there, processing what she'd just suggested.
"Excuse me, what?"