The biggest gap in his memory seemed to have been unearthed by himself. No matter how much Liu Buli thought about it, he couldn't recall what he had done in his spare time outside of work.
Brother Zhang and his colleagues would occasionally tease him, saying he treated the paper figures in novels as his lovers. He knew he loved reading novels and that he sometimes lost himself in worlds completely unrelated to his own when work bothered him.
But it was only ever about getting lost in those stories.
Even when work demanded it, he could put down his novel without hesitation. He always knew the difference between reality and illusion, and the idea of falling for a paper figure had never occurred to him.
He couldn't even remember any novel character that felt different from the others.
Had he ever truly liked someone, or rather, a virtual character?
When this question arose in his mind, Liu Buli felt an inexplicable sense of dread. It was as if with just a little more effort, he could touch a switch that would reveal what was real and what was illusion.
Yet, the thought sent shivers down his spine.
It was as if a voice deep within him was telling him not to touch those lost memories. It felt as though touching them would turn everything he now possessed into dust. As for what he would face, he couldn't recall at all.
So, what was it?
That night, Liu Buli drank himself into a stupor before finally drifting off to sleep.
The man who hadn't appeared in his dreams for a long time reappeared. However, unlike the last time, this time he held Liu Buli as if trying to meld him into his own body. The force was extreme, and as he maintained this embrace, he cried his heart out.
He kept calling Liu Buli's name.
His voice was the deep, magnetic tone Liu Buli favored, but the emotion behind it was entirely unlikeable.
Because the tone was so full of sorrow.
If he wasn't sure he was dreaming, Liu Buli would have suspected he had died, which would explain why the man in his dream was so heartbroken.
As for the him in the dream, he was like a corpse, only able to be held by the man, listening to his cries, unable to even move a finger.
Liu Buli desperately wanted to tell the man that he was fine, that he was just sleeping, just dreaming, that his mind was a bit muddled, and he planned to see a doctor tomorrow.
He wanted him to stop crying so sadly.
Because hearing his cries made Liu Buli feel inexplicably pained.
He couldn't understand why he felt this pain.
After much thought, he attributed it to the man being exactly what he liked. He was basically the ideal boyfriend from his fantasies, and anyone being held by such a person, crying so sadly, would surely feel uncomfortable, wouldn't they?
After listening to the crying all night, when he opened his eyes the next day, even though he had slept until noon, the fatigue that originated from the depths of his being showed no signs of lessening.
Yawning, Liu Buli got up to wash and groom himself. After tidying up, as he had resolved to do the day before, he dutifully went to the hospital.
Although he didn't want to admit that his mental state was problematic, he knew that one couldn't be afraid of seeking treatment for an illness.
Unfortunately, the examination results were no different from his initial guess. According to the doctor, he might have been experiencing some unwarranted illusions due to recent work stress. He was prescribed some calming medication and advised to rest early, but ultimately, nothing was resolved, and he was sent home.
With the medicine from the doctor, Liu Buli returned home.
He sat on the sofa in a daze, lost in thought for the entire afternoon, and then unceremoniously tossed the so-called calming medication into the trash.
His mind was still clear.
At least he didn't need this kind of medicine to delude himself.
He just wanted to know what he had forgotten, not to have that forgetting become even more blurred.
Liu Buli was certain of his intentions, so this time, he decided not to follow the doctor's orders.
Unfortunately, when he dreamt that night, the man did not reappear as he had expected. The dream was filled with a void, as if he had sealed himself in an empty space, unable to find a way out, and no one could come to save him.
When he first realized his situation, Liu Buli did feel a moment of panic. But he quickly calmed down, even consciously sitting down where he was.
He thought he might indeed have some kind of problem.
Because in such a tense and frightening situation, all he could think was that if he waited quietly here, the man would definitely not look in the wrong place when he came to find him.
After all, the other person loved him so much and cared about him so deeply.
If he found Liu Buli lost and alone, he would surely find a way to be by his side, rather than leaving him to remain in this void forever.
Liu Buli thought this, but he didn't see the man he was waiting for enter his dreams until he woke up the next morning.
Even so, recalling the dream of the previous night, Liu Buli couldn't help but smile.
Even if it was just in a dream, even if he found the thought somewhat ridiculous, the mere thought that such a person existed by his side brought him an inexplicable sense of comfort and satisfaction.
He subconsciously nuzzled the quilt. Though it only held his own body heat, he felt as though he could somehow feel the man's warmth at close proximity.
Liu Buli felt he was truly sick.
But if such a person could truly exist...
Perhaps then he would become interested in those so-called love stories.