During my college entrance examination, I heard the news of my sister's death.
She died silently; I only found out a few days later.
I did not attend the college entrance examination.
I went to prison, lost and dazed.
They told me my sister had been taken away.
I heard myself ask calmly, "By whom?"
"A man. He said he was Shen Yue's lover."
Lover?
Bullshit lover!
—
Shi Juan was furious that I didn't attend the college entrance examination. She was a soft-hearted woman, her eyes red.
"I worked hard to earn money to support your studies, yet you didn't even take the college entrance exam! You've disappointed me too much!"
I was confused, more confused than I had ever been.
A ringing sound filled my ears, like thunder.
I couldn't hear clearly.
I wanted to say, "Mom, Shen Yue is dead."
But I didn't dare. I was afraid Shi Juan couldn't bear the shock. Shi Juan's mental fortitude was not strong; it might cost her half her life.
—
Shi Juan woke up in the morning, the bathroom door left ajar.
The boy held his head, washing supplies scattered on the floor.
A toothbrush and toothpaste.
"Xiao Yan, what's wrong?"
The boy sobbed uncontrollably, his throat emitting sounds of painful choking. Seeing his elderly mother, his senses returned. He calmly wiped away his tears.
"Nothing, my eyes hurt."
Shi Juan didn't suspect anything, only naggingly giving him instructions.
My hand holding the toothbrush trembled.
I cried again.
My nose and eyes were covered in snot and tears, looking disheveled and pitiful.
Shi Juan worried, "If your eyes really hurt that much, maybe you should go to the hospital."
I shook my head.
It couldn't be cured.
My eyes didn't hurt; my heart did.
—
I had seen a photo of Shen Yue's death.
That toothbrush had almost pierced through her entire neck.
I couldn't understand why Shen Yue could be so ruthless.
Ruthless to herself.
Ruthless to me.
How desperate must she have been to be pushed to such a point?
—
I wanted to find Shen Yue, just to see her.
After exhausting all possibilities, I finally found that man.
He was a man filled with an air of nobility, gaunt and thin yet still handsome. When he saw me, he smiled, "You are Yueyue's younger brother."
Throughout my life, I had always denied that Shen Yue was my sister. Now, I remained silent.
The man took me to the apartment, where Shen Yue used to live.
I saw Shen Yue.
It was in a box.
I never imagined it would end up like this.
Shen Yue.
Shen Yue.
I repeated her name in my heart over and over.
—
That man was strange, his mental state seemed a bit unstable.
The man's gaze upon the box revealed a deep tenderness and a morbid affection. He whispered as if sharing intimate secrets with a lover.
He said, "Your brother came to see you. Are you a little happier?"
I heard the man say in an almost pleading tone.
"Tonight, I want to see you. May I?"
I saw the man's eyes turn red.
A man nearly six-foot-three, looking wronged like a child.
I heard myself ask in a very calm tone, "Why?"
The man said as if bewitched, "Because of me, it's all because of me..."
At that moment, my reason collapsed.
I threw a punch. The man didn't dodge.
I thought I might have gone mad because I wanted to kill the person in front of me.
Everything!
Everyone who caused Shen Yue's death deserved to die!
I wanted to take the box with me.
I felt I should take her home.
This seemingly noble and elegant man became very angry, his cold, crimson eyes fixed on me, like a beast ready to devour.
"This is her home. Where are you taking her?"
His voice seemed to carry piercing ice, yet it was incomparably gentle when he said "he."
I found it amusing, so ironic, "This is not her home. You are the murderer who killed Shen Yue. If she stays here, she will not find peace."
The man went mad, throwing me out. The door slammed shut with a bang.
He clutched the box tightly, as if holding his lover.
Tears streamed down his face.
He cried out with such affection and sorrow.
Losing love was like having one's heart gouged out.
—
Our family was poor. Shen Yue got into university, but because we couldn't afford the tuition, we didn't let Shen Yue study.
The family was in an uproar then, the father's helplessness, the mother's tears, all because of money.
Later, my father tore up and burned the university admission letter.
From that moment on, Shen Yue rarely came home.
Shen Yue's temper was too proud back then.
Too stiff, too easy to break.
At that time, I thought, how good it would be if I were the older brother.
—
Six months after my father's death, Shen Yue returned.
Besides anger, there were also indescribable emotions.
The first words she spoke were harsh and unpleasant, the hate and resentment accumulated over half a year, wanting to vent it all on Shen Yue, who had amnesia and knew nothing.
Shen Yue must have been very sad then. I thought at the time, how could someone like Shen Yue, who had no heart, feel sad?
In the dim light of the stairs, I thought I saw her cry.
Thinking back now.
If I had been gentler with Shen Yue back then, if my tone had been better, if my expression hadn't been so fierce, would Shen Yue have been unable to go to such extremes?
—
From the time I was sensible, I never called Shen Yue "sister."
I always called her Shen Yue, Shen Yue.
Shen Yue was very unhappy. When she was young, she took advantage of being older and taller than me, and always liked to bully me.
She would twist my ear or snatch my favorite Ultraman toy, all to force me to call her sister. I refused, I simply wouldn't call her that.
The more Shen Yue pressured me, the more I hated her.
I never acknowledged having this sister. Shen Yue interfered in other people's families, everyone in the neighborhood knew. I even felt ashamed, wishing I had never had this sister.
Now I want to call her sister, but she is no longer here.
I feel I should be relieved, but for some reason, my eyes sting terribly.
—
The last time I saw Shen Yue was on a clear sunny afternoon.
She suddenly appeared at home, ate dinner, but chose not to stay.
I asked, "Why did you come back?"
"I won't come back again."
I finally understood what Shen Yue meant by that sentence.
That day was also the first time Shen Yue gently stroked my head.
She was very gentle, her eyes shining, completely unlike someone who could be so cruel to herself.
"Xiao Yan is a man."
I snorted in my heart, did I need you to tell me that?
But my heart pounded wildly, and my ears felt hot.
At that moment, I truly wished she would stay.
—
I even thought, if I had persuaded Shen Yue to stay that day.
"Sister, come home. We've been waiting for you all along."
Would Shen Yue have died then?
—
Shi Juan was again nagging in my ear about when Shen Yue would come back, telling me to take some local specialties and visit Shen Yue, and persuade her to return.
I said okay, I would try my best to persuade my sister to come back.
Shi Juan was very happy upon hearing this, "You've become sensible, finally knowing to call her sister."
I lowered my head and ate, the white rice mixed with salty tears, not very tasty.
Unfortunately, in the end, I couldn't persuade her to return, and even calling her sister was no longer useful.